365 Days #8, #9, #10
365 Days #10 (and I can sign in, and the Internet is back-all better now)
04/08/2010
Today I’ve decided that I’d much rather think about and write about things and people around me than-me.
That’s all.
Well, that and I’ll admit to one of those rare occasions of being mildly annoyed this evening because the satellite is still out. Guess that means I can keep myself in this chair and type without distraction, right? Hmm…
355 Days
365 Days #9
04/07/2010
I thought it would be suitable to combine yesterday and today’s 365s because they each concern such contrasts-yesterday being a full day here in the solitude of open spaces and wild spring activity and today being spent in the city. Also, things will run together due to me not paying attention to what I was typing and accidentally locking myself out of the blog. At least I’ve kept typing. That was part of the deal, right? Anyway, the city did not work for me today. It felt heavy and dull. In this particular part of Old Town Alexandria people avert their eyes as they walk by, keep their heads down and miss all sorts of opportunities to engage with the world. Only a couple blocks over, it’s entirely different. A few blocks even further and one can exchange a smile and a quick conversation with a stranger. Instead of feeling energized and getting my usual buzz from the liveliness and constant motion, I felt a little stifled. Could it have perhaps been the 90 degree weather that left me more than slightly wilted? Springtime for me is apparently best spent in the fields and at the pond and streams. At least this week it is. Guess that means the creatures in the country will have to put up with me pestering them for a few more days.
In my mind, I was the car that made a beeline back to the log house; the 60 miles or so covered in record time without any red lights, stop signs, or speed constraints. In reality I did obey all traffic rules and signals while eagerly seeking refuge in the country.
356 Days
365 Days #8
04/06/2010
A full day in the country. Work to be done, but still an occasion to tune in to the activity. A day to stay connected.
357 Days
365 Days #7
Okay. I’m already bored with my words. This is what happened last fall when I couldn’t remember if I’d already written what was flowing through my head. I felt as though I was running a continuous feed-over and over and over. It became embarassing and flat and dull.
When one gets caught up like that it usually means there is a need to look closer and try to understand what the hold up is. I haven’t felt like doing that. Soooo, tomorrow I’m going to at least make an effort to piece back together this blog. It is calling for a lot of maintenance after an AWOL web host and general neglect. Leaping into the business of technical work is a decent option and at least a fairly productive, almost guilt-free means of avoiding the main issues. It will also get me out of my list of indoor spring cleaning chores.
358 Days.
365 Days #6
Okay fine. So I admit that I have been hiding from myself on occasion. I’ve been having a great time, though-an absolutely wonderful time. Every day is full and I am surrounded by the most incredible people. Isn’t it odd that one can be completely submerged in a world where there seems to be nothing but ill-will and mean spirited individuals, and then suddenly-like a switch has been flipped-everyone in the new life is good-natured and generous, smart and flourishing? I make it sound one sided and I know I had to have contributed to the mixture that made everything so ugly, but…for the change to have been so instantaneous-and for it still to be the same back in the old place… I don’t really ‘go’ back there very often, but the rapid transition amazes me even after all this time and it’s hard to not want to figure out the mechanisms, the elements that pull together and hold people of the same dark and negative nature. In the beginning; it was like shedding a dry, scaly skin or emerging from a deep, oppressive darkness into a place where everything was in such contrast that I had to blink a few times in the brightness of an almost Technicolor world. It literally took moments-not minutes or days. This sounds so dramatic but I still feel this way.
I am astounded by the remarkable people now in my life, and you know what? Except for a few new-found friendships, many of them were here all along. How lucky is that?! It’s just staggering.
359 Days.
365 Days #5
All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I’ve been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don’t mean anything
When you’ve got no one to tell them to
It’s true…
Brandi Carlile-The Story
360 Days.
365 Days #4
Running late, but it’s only because I’m trying to become a blonde. How come, no matter what the fancy name on the box happens to promise, I still end up with the same reddish hair? Not only that, but even after a trip to the salon I still end up looking like—me. A friend is threatening to ‘bleach’ my hair. Now that could provide a dramatic change-a whole new life! As long as I don’t end up with reddish hair again and looking like—me.
Rules for 365 Days:
- Try to remember everything Arlene said about this. Oh yes-use this as an opportunity to reflect. Be honest. Stop pretending everything is okay when it’s not. ‘Practice’ what you preach. There’s more but it would mean thinking too hard just now.
- I am still allowed to write about anything else too, so this means there might be more than one post in a day (sorry).
- It’s okay to simply jot down a favorite quote-or even just one word if that’s all that the moment calls for (this last one is mine).
- A week of ‘Dailies’ here and there is okay. That will be self-explanatory later on.
- There is no need to hyperventilate if the Internet is out on a given day or if I’m running late as long as it gets done.
- Maybe try writing a little earlier in the day. I’ve already noticed a difference between how I’m thinking early on compared to trying to see through eyes blurred from a full day.
- Oh, and ‘practice’. Practice. Practice. Practice.
Eventually I’ll get it right.
361 Days.
365 Days #3
Don’t worry-no matter how it sounds when you read #2, I’m not talking about multiple personalities.
It’s interesting how writing things down with care can still make one come out sounding as though they’re a mad person standing on a street corner mumbling and gesturing wildly. Now days that could just be someone on a wireless cell phone headset, but you get my point, hopefully.
I’m really just talking about trying to reconnect with the person I’ve apparently been avoiding. I’ve always had trouble admitting things- anywhere from not feeling well, to being angry or upset…most any negative emotions. It’s hard to even admit that. For the most part I think I’m an even keel ‘okay’. If things go south, then I’m still fairly even. When I’m ‘even’, I tend to avoid the other ‘stuff and nonsense’. Why complicate life with ugly sentiments? I am comfortable with being happy and upbeat (that is what ‘even’ means to me). But, I am the queen of the avoidance tendency which both serves me well in many ways and in turn leaves lots of business undone.
Enough of this for now. Tomorrow I think I’ll go over some rules for this so called ‘practice’ and try to remember exactly what Arlene is expecting me to be doing.
362 Days.
365 Days #2
I feel as though I’ve been holding my breath off and on the past few months, and when I let the air out slowly, it’s only to breathe in lightly, gently so as not to disturb the careful balance I’ve tried to maintain. Maybe I’ve been doing this for much longer than I think. Or perhaps just a part of me has. While one side has been stabbing at the pause button, the other parts have been shifting around and playing their assigned roles; remember to appear as though everything is fine here; look normal there; relax, you’re with friends in this spot, it’s okay to let up a bit…
Parallel lives. Multiple shadows, more likely, and not even in sync with each other. Each one moving along in its own disjointed motions, never quite matching up with the source. Caricatures. Independent figures taking part in their little vignettes on the side while the key player is trying to pull them all together into some order that makes sense.
Sometimes I do over-think things. Well, that’s an understatement. But really though, who doesn’t occasionally fall under the influence of those voices that instill doubt and suspicion? And it’s okay to double check now and then; circling A might work better than circling C. Life is mostly a series of multiple choice issues anyway. Much of the time, though it’s more a matter of waiting patiently for everything to fall into place naturally. That’s just it, while waiting, days-weeks-months can pass by and then there you are, wondering why you feel as though you’re closer to the starting point than ever before. Time now to work on finding something, somewhere in between. The other stuff just does not seem to have been working very well.
And it’s time to stop saying it’s time, and just shift back into gear again-any gear.
There. One minute to spare.
363 Days.